A Guest Post: Meet Emma

Meet Emma!  She is lovely Lisa's friend and she blogs over at http://www.ehernandezdesigns.blogspot.com 
I am so thankful for her willingness to share her personal story of loss, depression, grief, recovery, and hope.  Her message resonates with me and her strength through the Savior is powerful.  Thank you again Emma!


I am no stranger to loss. Having had 4 miscarriages previously, you’d think I would’ve learned a thing or two about how to handle myself. But when my 7th pregnancy ended in my 5th loss at 18 weeks gestation, my world fell apart. Postpartum depression and anxiety mixed with grief is a terrible emotional cocktail.

I was 18 weeks into my pregnancy when we found out our sweet daughter had no heartbeat. The next day my husband and I checked into Labor & Delivery where I was induced and subsequently delivered our sweet little girl, Lydia. I labored for 9 hours without pain medication because I felt somehow like I owed it to her to feel all the pain that came with her birth. The experience, in and of itself, was so beautiful. I have never felt closer to God than when I am delivering my children and Lydia’s birth was no different.

I felt so much joy at having been able to be her mother – even for a short while. And holding her tiny, perfect body in the palm of my hands I knew that she will be part of our family forever. I was sad, but I left the hospital feeling so much peace and hope for the future of my little family.

 And then 2 days later, my milk came in and thus began the rollercoaster of emotions. Was it Postpartum Depression or Grief or a mixture of both? I’m not sure. There is a fine line between the two and it is truly difficult to diagnose. Regardless, I needed help. My husband and I were fighting all the time. Damaging old habits began to resurface and the anger in our house was at a fever pitch. I would cry for hours wondering why I couldn’t just snap out of it and be normal. One day, something snapped inside me - I didn't want to feel that way anymore. In that delirium, the only common denominator I could see was me. So I left. And my sweet husband caught me 2 blocks from home and talked me down from a ledge (not literally a ledge, just the "ledge" of leaving our family). It's not that I wanted to leave, I just felt like I was suffocating. I wanted things to be different and I was desperate for change. But I didn't know where to begin.

My Bishop (clergy in my faith) suggested therapy. He made me promise not to leave again without letting him know 24 hours in advance. I have to admit, I called him every day that first week. But slowly things got better. Therapy helped me remove the untruths I've learned over the years about my worth and my idea about who God is and my relationship with Him. It's helped my marriage a lot too. Men & women experience and process loss and grief all so differently. And being able to see not only myself in a different light, but also my spouse has been priceless.

My marriage is stronger than it has been in years. Sure, we still argue, but I also know I love Jorge. I love our family and I'm in it forever. We have literally been to the depths of hell and back in this past year, but we've come out on top. Days are still hard. I still desperately miss my Lydia. I still fight with my husband over whose turn it was to wash the pots and pans. I still yell at my girls for not picking up their shoes. But now I realize all those things are normal. Feeling shame about an event you had no control over is not. To those of you who are wondering whether the emotions surrounding your experience with grief or even birth is normal – get help. Don’t wait! There is no shame in it.

The one-year anniversary of Lydia’s delivery is on March 13th and that day will be hard. I still grieve for the loss of my daughter as I do for all the babies we’ve lost, but getting help allowed me to grieve in a healthy way. And it gave me hope that I can be happy again. And I am! And guess what? I'm now 24 weeks along in a new beautiful pregnancy. It’s a BOY! Words cannot describe the joy this pregnancy has brought into our lives despite the struggle it has been. Although my therapist pretty much nailed it all on the head when she said, "That's him. You already know him. And he was waiting to come until you guys could make some emotional and spiritual room for him. Look back on this experience in the future when you don't know how or why things are going the way they are / why timing is the way it is."

All of our babies have been miracles. And yet, I think the biggest miracle of all is that Heavenly Father has given us, through our trials, an assurance and a hope that one day perhaps, we will see Him as He is. One day, hopefully, we will be like Him. And one day we will be with Lydia and all of our babies again.