Guest Post from Millie: Controlling Your Anger Towards Others

*check out Millie's first three posts here and here and here

Hello readers.  I'm back.  Once again, the rage expert. 
This is the post.
This is my solution.

My other post were mostly about how counseling is a great option and how to learn to deal with the emotions you are having (or suppressing).   But this is it.  How I control my anger toward others.

So funny thing really quick.  I think my love story is really awesome.  Like I secretly think that one day they are going to make a movie about our life.  (a little conceited right?)   My husband and I like to joke about who will play us in the movie.  We agree it has to be Scarlett Johansson and Jude Law.

Perfect for us right?  Anyway, did you see the movie the Avengers?  No?  Find it and see it...it's awesome.    Sadly, I did not see my self in Scarlett's character, the Black Widow.  Want to know who I did relate to?

Yep, the Hulk.  In the movie, they want to know the Hulk's secret for not getting angry.  At the end he says "That's my secret, I'm always angry."

Welcome to my life during Postpartum!   For a long time I really tried to hide that secret.  I tried to control it all the time and not lash out, but then, like the hulk, it would burst out and wow, it was a mess.

So my secret to controlling my anger toward others? (because it is always there) 

Allow others to have feelings!
This epiphany came after my long journey of accepting the fact that I had emotions.  My counselor pointed it out to me.  I was complaining about how tired I was and how I wanted to punch Robert in the face (sorry babe) if he ever said he was tired.  She, very sweetly, suggested that Robert could very possibly be tired, and asked me about his day.  It was like a light bulb came on.  I was feeling so upset because I was only getting 4 hours of sleep and Robert was getting around 7.  She pointed out that 7 isn't quite enough either, and he could be having long hard days.

So here's the trick: (because I mean, come on, I'd kill  for seven straight hours of sleep!) You have to let others have their feelings, but you can, in your mind, reserve the right that their feelings aren't as strong as yours.

I use this on a daily basis, no joke.  Postpartum or not, I use this all the time.  For example:

Robert complains that he is tired.  I want to scream, "I got up three times last night and you got to stay in the warm bed!"  But what do I do?  I realize that while he might not be as tired as me and he got to sleep all night, but he IS working very hard at school and  he studied until after midnight, so he has every right to be tired.

Someone complains about being homesick.  I feel like screaming "You only live a few hours from home and get to visit regularly!  Try moving across the country where you know NO ONE, and can only visit home once a year, maybe!"  But what do I do?  Ok, I know what it's like to feel homesick and they have the right to feel home sick.  They might not be as homesick as I am, but they are allowed to be homesick.

Someone complains about not having their old body back after having a baby, even though they are still quite thin.  I feel like screaming, "At least your not fifty pounds over weight and none of your clothes fit and you have zero dollars to even go buy new clothes, and even if you did you can't walk into a normal store and even find anything that fits!" Instead, I realize how hard it is to not be the same as before you had a baby, and they have every right to feel that way, even if their changes seem much less noticeable.

Last, (and this one gets me every time) someone with out kids complains of not getting a good night's sleep...You can imagine my desired response...Instead, I think, I know what it's like to not get a good night's sleep.  It's miserable, and while they might not have had as miserable of a night as I had, they have every right to have had a bad night.

As you practice this kind of thinking, you will grow to be more and more compassionate toward others.  And really love and compassion are the only things that can replace anger.  And hopefully you'll be better than me and be able to drop the "but not as much as me" from the end, because really suffering is suffering and it's not really comparable. 

p.s. I have a five punch policy.  If you feel like punching someone in the face more than five times, it's time to drop them from your friends.  Block them on Facebook, stop reading their blog, whatever, because obviously they just rub you the wrong way and you can't waste your energy being angry with them.  (the five punch policy is not applicable to husbands :)

*I just wanted to add, that I agree with the "five punch policy" when it comes to social media.  If things you read on social media about somebody else start to make you have a negative opinion of somebody you use to have a positive opinion of...then it is probably time to block that person and stop reading.  You can still be "real" life friends, but maybe your "social" media friendship needs to stop (but you certainly don't need to tell them you 'blocked' them).  And in fact, maybe a break from social media while you are RECOVERING is not a bad idea.  Snuggle your sweet baby instead of spending all of your time on "Complain-book"...I mean Facebook. ~judi