Because you probably wondered....

I have been meaning to get on and write an update/word dump of how things have gone after baby #4 (you should see him, he is the bomb diggity of babies!) because quite a few people have been so sweet to ask how I am doing and I knew EVERYBODY would be wondering (and by everybody, I mean like 3 people).  But guess what, when I am "struggling" I just can't write about it.  I have to wait until I am doing well and then I am able to write about it.  Matthew J is 5 months old and I am finely feeling pretty darn good.  So here it goes.  The update....

Leading up to Matthew's birth, I was super nervous.  I just had this premonition or something that this postpartum time would be rough.  I don't know if it was Heavenly Father warning me to be prepared, or if it was my own fear, but I was anxious about being anxious....haha.  Before I went in to be induced (the kid was huge, and so they induced me), Mike and my Dad gave me a priesthood blessing and Mike told me in the blessing that although I would still have my postpartum struggles, that it would be ok because I had the tools to deal with them.  It was a great comfort and it was something I leaned back on many times. 

Matthew's birth was great and I was really encouraged coming home.  My angel mother was here to help me and the first week went pretty good.  I had about 3 nights that I didn't sleep very much because of the anxiety (oh how I hate laying awake in the night when you are SOOO tired!!!!!), but I didn't panic. I have found that panic is fuel for anxiety and so if you can keep from panicking, you can keep your anxiety in control.  I also learned a great trick from a family member that your body can only handle being at a high state of anxiety for so long and so when you are feeling super anxious, to stay calm and simply wait it out.  I did that over and over and it helped so much.  Without the panic, the anxiety had nothing to grow upon. 

After Nathan (baby #3) I started taking the antidepressant right away, but I wanted to see how I did without it and so I waited to take it this time and after a night of not sleeping and general mayhem in the anxiety/emotional department...I made it 4 days...haha. I felt bummed that I couldn't do it without the meds, but grabbed a cold glass of water, swallowed the pill and said a prayer of thanks that such medicine exists.  Yeah, it is still a life saver for me.  Luckily I have been able to come off of it after a year each time, but in the meantime, I will always be grateful for it!

Once the meds started working and my body started to heal and disperse of some of its post-birth massive amounts of adrenaline, things were pretty smooth sailing.  I still felt that "It's almost night-time dread/panic" but I relied on my tools (light, happiness, prayer, living one day at a time, not panicking, waiting through the rush of anxiety), but I felt great and Matthew was so cute and chubby and I spent my time being so happy and loving on him and kissing his fat cheeks and smelling his sweet breathe.  It was heaven.

At about 2 months postpartum, I decided to jump back full-time into life.  I started attending my exercise group and pushing myself really hard and I started trying to eat super healthy, and I started taking on some cleaning projects that desperately needed taking on...and....I crashed...burned..."bombs away....geronimo!"

Forgot to take my own advice about Hard Work and balance....

Enter in obsessive thoughts.  Ughh how I hate those.  They hit me hard.  I could literally feel that my brain was weak and sick.  I felt as though I was walking on egg shells just waiting for a thought to bother me and then I would not be able to stop thinking about it (if you have no idea what I am talking about, then you do not have obsessive thoughts and be SOOO thankful!).  I struggled on my own for awhile, then I broke down and told some family members who were very understanding and helpful (some had experiences of their own and could give me advice).  Two things helped me immensely.  1. Backing off the hard work.  I stopped exercising.  I stopped worrying about my looks and weight.  I stopped trying to be wonder woman.  I went back to my basics.  Living a day at a time.  Getting by on housework and not trying to catch up on projects.  Laughing more.  Smiling more.  Kissing my kids more.  2. This book.  If you have any Obsessive or Compulsions or even Anxiety...this is the book for you.  I was scared out of my mind to read it and as I was reading it, I kept thinking, this is stupid.  But I have tried the tactics and they work.  They really do.  It was empowering to be able to help my brain see clearly. (Also, if you have kids who have anxiety, they would benefit from you reading this book as well)

It has now been a few more months and I am doing great and here is why. 

1. I made the decision to be doing great.  What I mean is, I decided to not let myself suffer.  I am willing to do anything, put in any effort (no matter how painful it is) to not suffer.  I read books, I took medicine, I took advice, I told people when I wan't doing well, I prayed a lot. I know from experience that the farther you go down in mental issues, the harder it is to come back up.  As soon as I feel myself slipping a little in either the anxiety or the obsessive thoughts I immediately reach for my "mental tools" and don't let myself go down very far. 

2.  I am really in tune with my body and mind and it is awesome.  I try to look for positive things that have come from having PPS and I have found a few great ones.  - I have a deeper understanding/appreiciation for the atonement of Jesus Christ...it is powerful and can heal.  - I am so intune with my body and how it feels and how my mind is doing and it makes me a strong person.  I am conquering some of my faults (but only some...haha).   - I have a greater sympathy for people.  Struggles are real and everybody has them.  Nobody is perfect even if they appear that way from the outside.

3.  My family is awesome and I am finding so much joy from being a mother.  I have really been able to seperate my PPS as something faulty in my brain and chemicals and not relate it as having anything to do with my family or children or babies.  Even as my brain is struggling, it finds so much joy in being a mom and wife and snuggling my four beautiful boys.  Motherhood is awesome!

So there is my novel about how I have been doing and how good I am doing now.  I hope you are doing well too. (Shoot me an email if you aren't, I love talking PPS...ha!) 

p.s. Babies are awesome!